100 Dragon Age themed things
by LNicol1990
Summary: ...I will not do in real life. Boredom leads to random thoughts that are excellent to show to the world, and for the world to laugh at.


Author's note: Umm... I was kind of bored, and I'd just read "120 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts" by Cliodna. I came up with this list as I was coming home from college. It was a good drive home.

BloodandDiamonds, I'd like to thank you for adding that to your favourites list, which is where I found the story.

So, without further ado, I present to you: 100 Dragon Age themed things I will not do in real life.

Enjoy!

* * *

1) I will not dress in the female version of the Dalish elf's armour to college.

2) As much as I may want to, I will not squander my university funds to buy material to make female Dalish armour.

3) I will not carry swords, a bow and quiver, or a crossbow, even if they are fake.

4) If/When college security tells me I'm carrying a knife, I will not correct them and say I am carrying Dar'Misu.

5) I will not go into college wearing Morrigan's attire.

6) I will not ask my chemistry lecturer where the deathroot is.

7) I will not dress like an elf and say "what's your problem, shemlen?!" to anyone who gives me a funny look.

8) I will not ask a tattoo artist to give me vallaslin.

9) I will not call anyone under fifteen 'da'len'.

10) I will not call anyone older than me 'hahren'.

11) I will not call my friends 'lethallan', nor will I call my best friend 'lethallin'.

12) I will not use 'Andaran atish'an' or 'Aneth ara' to greet people.

13) I will not talk in Elvish. Period.

14) I will not call my caravan an aravel.

15) I will not tell my parents that I have joined a new religion, and it demands that, to be an adult, I must get a tattoo on my face.

16) If I am in a department store, I will not go up to a mirror, touch it, and then run out of the place screaming "It saw me!".

17) I am not a mage, and therefore I cannot perform magic nor will I attempt to.

18) If/When my maths lecturer accuses me of sleeping in his lesson, I will not tell him I was visiting the Fade.

19) I will not cut my hand and tell anyone who's watching that I'm practising blood magic.

20) I will not walk up to random people and ask that, if they see any templars, not to tell them where I am.

21) I will not rummage around in a basement to find my phylactery.

22) If someone is annoying me, I will not say to them "I can shapeshift into a giant spider and eat your brains".

23) Lyrium does not exist, and I will not ask for some in my nearest pharmacy.

24) I will not take a random stone into a gem store and ask if it's raw lyrium.

25) The powder in a makeup bag is not lyrium dust, and I will not attempt to eat it to replenish my mana.

26) I will not put on an application form that my ethnicity is Orlesian, Antivan, Dalish or a citizen of Ferelden.

27) The Chantry and the Elven Pantheon are not real religions, and I therefore cannot say I am a member of either religion on a census.

28) I will not dress as a Chantry sister and preach the Chant of Light on a street corner.

29) I am not a Chanter, so I do not need to "Speak only the Word" and "Sing only the Chant".

30) Regardless of what happened in my gameplay, I am not dead, and I will not ask people where the Maker or Andraste is.

31) Regardless of what happened in my gameplay, I am not the Hero of Ferelden and I will not brag about it.

32) Regardless of what happened in my gameplay, I am not the lover of a bastard prince/Antivan Crow/Orlesian bard/apostate.

33) I will not go into a rescue shelter and ask the people working there if they have any Mabari.

34) I will not put paint on my dog in random designs and then say "Now you're ready for war".

35) I will not ask a ranger in a nature reserve if they have any halla.

36) If I am on a guided cave tour, I will not ask the guide if they know the way to Orzammar.

37) If I go spelunking, I will not tell everyone that I found a lost thaig when I come back.

38) I will not refer to the London Underground, or any subway, as the Deep Roads.

39) I am not, nor will I ever be, a Paragon, and I should not expect people to revere me.

40) Becoming a Grey Warden is not a career choice.

41) I will not make a mixture of the blood of different animals and blue food colouring to make a mock Joining liquid.

42) I will not drink the liquid.

43) I will not put the liquid into a goblet and offer it to a random person, saying "Join us" in the process.

44) Griffons do not, nor have they ever existed. They, therefore, cannot be revived through genetic engineering.

45) I will not encourage children to say "vashedan".

46) It is not necessary for me to make exclamations when I get picked (or don't get picked) for team games.

47) I will not go to the police and tell them that an Antivan assassin just tried to kill me.

48) I will not tell children that if they misbehave, demons will come for them from the Fade.

49) I will not tell misbehaving children that they are possessed by demons, and that they are abominations and I must kill them.

50) I will not tell children that the animal they are talking to is possessed by a demon and I must kill the thing.

51) I will not stand about on the streets and recite random and disturbing poems. I will also not recite limericks about slaughtering pigeons.

52) I will not approach a statue, hold out a piece of wood, yell out some random and unintelligible phrase and then say that my control rod is broken.

53) I will not use makeup to put darkspawn corruption blotches on my skin and then twitch and jerk about sporadically.

54) I will not use makeup to put darkspawn corruption blotches on the skin of my friends.

55) I will not draw vallaslin on my friends.

56) Regardless of where I live, I will not refer to my neighbourhood as the Alienage or Dust Town.

57) There is no such thing as a vhenadahl, and so I will not claim a tree is such.

58) I will not ask random people if they have ever licked a lamppost in winter.

59) I will not go into a pub and ask for lichen ale.

60) I will not say that I'm going to hunt apostates nor will I say that I'm looking for the Dalish, and disappear for a day.

61) I will not hang out in the woods and when I come across someone, I will not ask them what they're doing in my forest.

62) I will not tell people that I am an apostate hiding from the templars when they find me in the woods.

63) If a place is haunted, I will not say in a mystical voice "The Veil is very thin here".

64) I am not a blood mage, so I cannot control people and I will not try.

65) I will not go into the mountains to search for the Urn of Sacred Ashes.

66) I will not go into the mountains to fight high dragons.

67) I will not join or form a cult and worship a high dragon as the reincarnated Andraste.

68) I will not go into a hospital and say that I'm suffering from blight.

69) I will not insist to a geographer that Thedas is a real continent, nor will I insist that Ferelden is a real country.

70) I will not ask a history lecturer to give me lesson on the Tevinter Imperium.

71) Darkspawn are not real, and I will not attempt to convince anyone otherwise.

72) I am not a Grey Warden, and therefore I am not connected to the darkspawn group mind.

73) I will not travel the world and build an army to fight the darkspawn.

74) I will not search for the archdemon.

75) I am not a Grey Warden, and so I will not tell everyone that I am the only one who can end the Blight.

76) I am not a Grey Warden. Period. So, I will not tell people that I am.

77) I will not say to random people "My Warden-sense is tingling".

78) I will not look for the Old Gods.

79) I will not have the Chantry or the Elven Pantheon as the main topic of a presentation for my religious studies lecturer.

80) I will not place a book containing: the Chant of Light, the geography of Thedas, the politics of Ferelden, or the creatures of Thedas into the respected sections of the local library.

81) I will not go back into that library a week later and check if those books are still there.

82) I will not search the woods for elfroot, deathroot or deep mushrooms.

83) I will not attempt to make a health poultice, nor will I attempt to make a lyrium potion.

84) I will not ask shopkeepers if they have any frozen lightening or lifestones.

85) I will not tell the bank that I want to withdraw twenty sovereigns.

86) I will not attempt to use sovereigns in a shop.

87) I will not take useless junk into a shop and ask if they'll trade.

88) I will not go around and try to pick the locks of everything in sight.

89) I will not go into the middle of the countryside and ask the occasional passerby if they know the way to Redcliff.

90) I will not go to Windermere, the largest lake in the country, and look for the Circle Tower.

91) When I am in a tower, I will not ask the nearest person for directions to the Harrowing Chamber.

92) I will not tell gullible tourists that they're staring at Lake Calenhad.

93) I will not stand on a coast cliff and yell to random people "I can see Par Vollen from here".

94) I will not look for Highever on a map.

95) I am a human. So, regardless of my height, I will not try to convince anyone that I am a dwarf, an elf or a qunari.

96) I will not gain experience points for anything I do, so I will not try to 'level up'.

97) I will not run through the city centre yelling hysterically "The darkspawn are coming!".

98) I will not tell the neighbourhood children that there are werewolves in the local wood.

99) I will not try to wear live songbirds in my hair and say that it's in fashion in Orlais.

100) I will not challenge a policeman/bouncer to a duel.


End file.
